Sex, virgins, holy waters and the lies we tell

•July 20, 2010 • 1 Comment

The guy in front of me is talking about how he likes me, the way I look, the way I talk, there are very few other guys he has been attracted to in Nairobi as he has been attracted to me. He empties the remaining Guinness into his tumbler  and starts talking about his best friend.

“I don’t know how he does it, he’s doing the Minister for *Ministry name withheld*. The minister has bought him a Camry, it’s just a Toyota but still . . .” He says and reaches out for his Guinness tumbler.

His phone rings and my colleague who has been looking at him with a mixture of fascination badly concealed interest looks at me.

“Lifestyle Lounge . . . You are at the entrance? Come upstairs and walk towards the balcony, you will see me seated with two other guys.” He says shouting over the bar brouhaha.

His pal walks in and sees him. He sits right opposite him, next to me and orders a Tusker, which he pours into his tumbler such that half the tumbler has beer and the remaining half the foam.

He pulls his seat closer to mine and faces me.

“Who is with who here because I don’t want to make any trouble,” He asks me.

I shrug and shake my head. Meanwhile am thinking about a story another  pal had been telling me earlier.

“These young men lie a lot,” my pal had told me.” Like this one I met last year,” He had continued to say. Telling me about a young man he had met a year earlier.

The young man had gone to meet his pal in Langata who lived in a wing separated from the main house. This young man and his friend had converted the wing into a perfect love nest and this day they were going to take their young love into the next level. So after the usual cuddling, hugs, kisses his pal was started lubing himself at the exact moment that the phone made its mind to ring.

They ignore it. Ten rings later the friend mum starts calling from a distance.

“The pastor has come,” the Mon shouts. “You need to come so that we can pray together,” she continues to say.

So the boy grabbes his trousers and forces his turgid dick into a pair of jeans and walks out.

A ¼ an hour later the door opens and a flywhisk is swung inside the room and generous drops of holy water land on the young man’s naked and still turgid dick and cool it forever.

“That’s the story behind my virginity,” The young man tells my friend, but he has forgotten a minor detail; six months earlier he had told him about a steamy relationship he was then involved in with an Arab who had in his own words taken his virginity!

Back in the bar the young man in front of me is now visibly drunk and he is trying to get my colleague to take him to a club in Westlands called Gypsies.

“When I left the house my intention was to go to Gypsies and don’t ruin it for me,” He tells me when I declare that I want to leave. After all we are the only guys left in the pub and the staff has already made us aware that they are returning the stock so we can’t order more beer.

The scene begins to look a little chaotic and I turn to his pal and ask him what he thinks we should do. His pal tells me that that is what always happens when he drinks.

“So what should we do because this young man is in no condition to handle another half tumbler of beer,” I ask his friend who tells me to follow him to the cloakroom so that we can discuss that arising matter privately.

Inside the cloakroom the young man grabs me and pushes me and plants a wet kiss on my mouth. I don’t mind it but there is an important issue here that we have come to sort out.

“What do we do now?” I ask him.

It’s at this moment that my colleague and the young man who was seated in front of me come in. My colleague has got his characteristic crooked smile on his face and asks the young man that I was in the cloak room with and me to kiss. The young man does not waste a second. He grabs me plants another kiss on my lips and it is at this moment the other young man storms out in a rage.


Scandal rules this world

•April 26, 2010 • Leave a Comment

As university students ran scared unsure of the safety of their HELB loans fund – the man in charge of the high performing but scandal ridden ministry of Agriculture has been transferred to the ministry of Higher Education – the Football fraternity has been grappling with a scandal of another kind. Last week saw the Questioning of Bayern Munich’s injury plagued Frank Ribery over a child prostitution scandal. The scandal implicating a handful of French international footballers among them Olympique Lyonnais’ Sidney Govou, Real Madrid’s Karim Benzema and Marseille’s Hatem Ben Arfa who have been called upon to give evidence in a case regarding Ribery who is said to have had sex with a prostitute under the legal age of consent in France. The girl has however been quoted as saying that she lied to Ribery about her age.

Truth be told, there is no scandal like one with sex somewhere in it. In a case reminiscent of Conoina’s father Kizito, Kenya’s Daily Nation on Wednesday reported that an Irish director of International Community for Relief of Starvation and Suffering (Icross) Kenya on Tuesday lost a court battle he had filed in Ireland to block an investigation into a series of devastating claims about his activities in Ngong, Kenya.

Mr Michael Elmore Meegan, the director of a well-intentioned charity scheme is embroiled in sexual harassment allegations running over a period of 20 years.

Case documents claim that Mr Meegan paid his workers for letting him cane them for his sexual pleasure.

Affidavits shown to the High Court further allege that Mr Meegan skimmed donor accounts to support his lifestyle and flew gay partners from around the world to visit him using the money given to Icross.

While evidence shown to the court shows that claims against Mr Meegan were made to the police in Kenya in 1986, and similar allegations had been made since then by a variety of Kenyan men, he denied all the claims and said he was the victim of a conspiracy by “rival” Kenyan aid workers, alleging that his accusers were making up false stories in the hope of suing for compensation. He also claimed that others had been bribed to make their statements.

A sworn affidavit from charity guru Dr Vincent Kenny, then a member of the Icross board, said the claims were investigated by Kenyan CID but a deal was done in which Mr Meegan escaped prosecution if he went to Ireland and did not return to Kenya, but a few months later Mr Meegan returned to Nairobi.

Meanwhile a guru of another kind has been making scandalous headlines in India . . . Controversial Hindu Swami Guru facing charges of obscenity has been arrested at Solan and detained in Himachal Pradesh where he has been hiding along with his associate Gopal Seelam Reddy according to Indian police.

The guru stepped down as head of a religious organisation based in the southern city of Bangalore amid a flurry of condemnation after a sextape apparently showing him engaging in sexual acts with two women was leaked.

Finally in the ivory towers of western civilisation, an inquest over a Briton who lived with the body of his friend under a sofa for 10 years in a flat in Bristol is currently going on.

The dead man, Dennis Pring 73, had been living unofficially with city council tenant Alan Derrick.

The inquest heard Mr Derrick did not want to tell the authorities that Mr Pring had died because he was worried he would be evicted.

Mr Pring is believed to have died at some point between April and June 1998.

Panties and a case for different heavens for Kenyans

•April 15, 2010 • 1 Comment

You’ve woken up before him and you are looking at his face. That dark smooth skin – his eyes – that smile of contentment and bliss – the texturized hair. A feeling of unexplainable happiness washes over you and you reach out to touch him.

Just like two people in love communicate through telepathy, he has heard your thoughts. He opens his eyes and moves towards you, to kiss you. . . Then reality knocks on your bedroom door.

I have a feeling that there is nowhere else on this earth that a lot is promised and so little delivered Nairobi, and to a larger extent Kenya. This reality is shouted from every corner of the city, the centre and the outskirts.

Every section of our society has a testimony of a promise not kept. It is easier to count the number of the times that our expectations by people who eventually went ahead to deliver.

Last week I spent the weekend with a cousin who was so heartbroken to go out for a beer. All this darling boy of our extended family wanted was to sleep. He hated men. He wanted God to send a to send a tsunami that would wash over Mt. Kenya towards the Congo. This tsunami would wash with it all the men because they lie and cheat.

He didn’t mind dying with the rest of the men, or so he confided in me. His umpteenth boyfriend had cheated on him again and so he wanted to die.

What is it about our society that we promise heaven and deliver earth, or promise earth and deliver heaven or even hell?

It could be that we don’t read from the same script, or may be though we sing from the same hymn book we do so in different tunes and arguably different tones.

Take for example the most overused cliché;  the guys use love to get sex from girls and girls use sex to get love from the boys. It then figures that in a situation like this, the girl will start in heaven and end up in hell while the boy will start in heaven and probably run for his dear life when he sees earth coming.

To most of us, the feeling there could be many different heavens, and on the same token hells for Kenyans cannot be dismissed. This is because it is impossible to explain how people who live in the same environment can end up seeing the same things so differently, and at the end of time end up in the same hole .

Take for example this meeting in Nakuru where the key speakers were Ruto, Kalonzo and Kibaki all talking about the possibility of amending the constitution to make it acceptable to all. All seem to agree that it should be amended and it is very clear that Ruto wants it amended and is sure that this will be done before the referendum; Kalonzo just wants it amended whenever and he is sure that it will be amended. Kibaki on the other hand wants it amended and he is sure that the constitution will be amended after the referendum. They all happy because they agree with each other.

This clearly calls for our society to move from operating on opinions and emotions and work on facts and realities. There is an undeniable need to question and be a little pessimistic. To borrow from the politicos, there is need to ensure that all the cards are laid on the table before one Kenyan engages with another. The need too that we clarify what our words both spoken and unspoken mean can not be over emphasised.

When there is a problem it is important to know what the real problem is and deal with it in a workable and sustainable manner.

During a recent lecture on using research in policy making, the nations hardest and arguably smartest working PS Dr. Bitange Ndemo discovered that while research may be important in influencing policy, panties too will never be ignored.

This issue was brought forward by a rather spirited female doctorate student. She informed him that while the government had correctly identified that the poor performance by girls in schools all over Kenya was due to lack of sanitary pads, there was still a small problem with this conclusion.

Although the government had went ahead and provided sanitary towels to girls living in the poverty ravaged areas of Turkana – based on the above realisation – there was no notable improvement in the grades of the girls.

After thinking this over it was discovered that for sanitary towels to be effective a girl has to use them along side panties. The Turkana girls dint use any.

So the good ‘Bwana Daktari’ promised to go back and inform his counterpart at the Ministry of Education that there was need to come up with a policy that will direct the making of sanitary towels that are like panties.

Banana lusting to orange luvings

•November 24, 2009 • 2 Comments

Don’t we all luv waking up to the usual Nairobi drama extraordinaire laid bare on the city’s major dailies, like a woman who is already too willing? Check this out “It’s a race against time,” screams the Standard’s headline about what short a time the new constitution has to be implemented after the referendum. Well, not so much drama over here, even if we assume that the draft will pass anyway, but then check this other one out, “Taxman boosts businesses with VAT refunds,” opines the Business Daily. Who said a Kenyan will walk into Times Tower tomorrow with an empty brief case and walk out smiling with it bursting on the seams full of his/her tax refunds! “Draft: President and MPs must pay taxes” so says the Daily Nation, as if we still care, we all know that they will find a way of getting back whatever they pay out as taxes! “Uhuru to join Ruto, VP over Mau”, the Star is trying to be a little economic with the truth here but it lets you know that it’s not in condemning the kick out of the invaders but in fundraising for the kicked out. Somewhere in one of Nairobi’s pink press is a subhead that the govt has run out of Passats and I can’t help but envy those public officers who took time to return their fuel guzzlers. If this is true then these fellows get to keep their coveted till the next budget is read. Talk of laughing last and laughing loudest!

Nairobi is again abuzz with constitution talk and Mau double speak with politicians politicising and digging in to milk the most mileage out of these issues critical to this nation.

The constitutional debate has in all sense of the word gone tribal with the Central Kenya cousin tribe vowing to trash it and the western alliance of tribes vouching for it. One politician has been overhear saying that the reason he wants his tribesmen to  trash this draft into the dustbin is not just because during the days of the Bomas one the lady called Atsango always went around talking about this ‘community’ that thinks it owns Kenya thus putting her objectivity into disrepute but because of some aspects of it that negate two democratic principles, that of independence of the three arms of government and that of equality of all men; a major shift right there from banana luving to oranges lusting.

Although a keen person will easily see that this it is a product of a huge attempt to please very many quarters such that it looks like a toxic mix that is bound to lead this nation to anarchy, the process does allow for input of the public such that the draft can be alter to suit the majority’s wishes. My take, lets contribute and make it better, let’s not trash it!

The Mau issue too should not be politicised. Whereas there is need to conserve the forests that we have and create some more, there is need to take care of the evictees and ensure that their children don’t sleep out in the cold on empty stomach. There is need to provide them with adequate transport to where they came from and ensure that those who took over their land welcome them with open arms; well that’s a tall order over there but it doesn’t harm to try J

In the inner pages convicts are dying of cholera at Kamiti Maximum Security Prison and questions are being raised over the ability of the health facility at the prison to handle cholera cases. All signs show that there is some kind of apprehension to having the inmates get medical attention from the mainstream health facilities maybe due to threats they could pose to the common mwananchi health and general security wise

Bedding the politico

•November 17, 2009 • 3 Comments

We all knew that politicians fuck the hell out of whores like most of us – the Koinange Street debacle of the NARC era told it all – but what we didn’t know was that these guys do have tears somewhere behind their eyes just like the rest of us!  Did they cry last Sunday when some Kenyans voluntarily moved out of the Mau forest reserve or was I high on something?

How is it that none of them cried when hundred of guys were being kicked out of their farms and rental houses, their houses burnt, their wives raped as they watched; were these not their people too? Has anyone of them been crying as long rain after short rain falls on thousands of these homeless living in polythene paper bag houses? Correct me if am wrong, but no one cried when guys got burnt in Kiambaa and Naivasha!

So I take it that Sunday’s were merely political tears of a political elite that is using poor tribesmen to hold on to land. They have finally realized that the small man is leaving the forest and this will leave them as big land owners exposed. Their tears are nothing more than those of a well fed crocodile bemoaning the death of prey it just ate. By the way you are entitled to interpret that Sunday news clip as you may. After all this is a land where everyone is free to go to bed with whatever version of truth he/she wishes – the fruits of freedom of conscience  you may say- never mind that your version of truth maybe PMS-ing.

So  as a nation we are screwing everything and everyone, rant and rave when our bitches or bottoms steal a single second of our pleasure; and truth be told some of us have screwed to the extent of screwing cops wives and dying for it, remember that MP who paid with dear life for messing with Mughaka’s gal? That guy somewhere near Nyeri all bloody and on all fours crying ‘Makosa imetendeka’? Don’t forget that boda boda guy killed somewhere near Busia a month ago after some kid alerted the neighbours that some guy is doing something to her Momma.

The new constitution will be out later today and Kenya’s above mentioned problems will be as good as solved – well, almost all. It will make the perpetrators of the PEV freely get on flight LMO 435 departing for The Hague, or will it be Arusha and remain there. With the new constitution we will all get jobs, our streets will be so safe. That way, we will all have our fuks at street corners without being made to feel guilty by a wayward street child begging for ‘ngovo ya chai’, and then adding the usual tagline ‘aki woyie, wiki hii yote sijakula kitu!

Have I read somewhere that the Mutahi Ngunyi, of “Committing Ethnic Suicide” fame, is saying that this new constitution thing is crap? Could it be because it is not compelling Kikuyu to finally speak Dholuo or the reverse? food for thought.

Seriously, will it make the post-colonial political elites finally give back the land Kenyatta gave them for whatever reason he dint give it to my great gramps so that the IDPs and the GDPs can finally get a rocky patch to till?

What the fuk am I trying to say here … the best constitution never changed a country. Every individual has to charge.This is the way the first world societies have been able to change and transform themselves into the economic powerhouses they now are.

** *

After the emotional outburst the leaders are now backing down from their initial threats of leading their tribesmen back into the forest and unleashing a wave of violence hitherto unseen. Allow me to deviate a bit; do these guys genuinely think that their tribesmen are the only Kenyans with the monopoly of violence?

They are now urging for calm and I have a strong feeling that this has something to do with the 105 million that G4S has lost again. Their minds have taken a break as they pause in awe and wallow in the reality that it’s not only in politics that a Kenyan can excel in thieving. Honestly I don’t blame them for if I knew who pulled this recent one at G4S I would be fuking him now for just a milli, and tips on how to pull a similar caper when I’ve pissed the last cent of it with some whore at karumaindo.

Sex and the Union

•November 16, 2009 • Leave a Comment

The three East African states have finally discovered that ‘unity really is strength’, oops! Sori plus the other two states to make it five East African states; I think they should have known this earlier for the a fore mentioned saying is borrowed from the Swahili’s Umoja ni nguvu utengano udhaifu, or is it uthaifu? Whatever, and so the customs union is finally here and all I can think about is how hotte the Kabaka looks especially his lower lip. How many times have I dreamt of kissing that lip! Yeah I know this guy is way older than daddy but still….

My pal keeps telling me that I talk about many things at the same time, which makes me sometimes a little too hard to follow, like I could be talking about this one thing or a person and in no time switch on to a totally different topic. A perfect example is when I was talking about how this pal of his is a great cook and when I said the gal that they were cooking with sounded nice he thought I was talking about his pal’s girlfriend and scolded me for mixing up things again J

Well, I guess shit happens most of the time, which I blame on the fact that the world is a big play ground with a lot of things going on at the same time and though no one has ever told you this before; your mind mirrors the universe, so whatever is happening in the universe is mirrored in your small mind. Stop! Don’t start calling me the Kenyan Plato!

So as I’m here thinking about what opportunities the new union will bring to most of us Kenyans. Let take Tanzania for example, other than being a lesson on good manners, it offers the entrepreneurial Kenyan more ‘Migundas’ to grab, the Kenyan beach bums more beaches to laze on (Kenyatta beach is always packed on holidays) the rest having been fenced off by private developers.

Uganda throws in its famed Baganda gals, known for squeezing the last drop of semen out of even the most randy of men, not to mention the hot Banyaankole women. Thinking of Uganda; Museveni is on the helm of signing a bill that calls for the hanging of its homosexuals and jail terms for anyone who knows an homosexual but has for one reason or the other failed to report him to the cops and voila! Kenyans now has a perfect place to deport a their wayward sons and still look good in the eyes of Amnesty International!

And like every other Kenyan who knows nothing about Rwanda and its sister state Burundi, I’ve got no clue what these country have to offer us but come to think of it, they got lessons to offer on what sleeping with tribalism can do to a country and how a country that has gone through hell can come back to earth.

For those who don’t see this thing the way I do, you can take refuge in the comfort that we’ve been given 90 million more guys to do some coupling with! Can you beat that!